It’s March, and that means brackets of things are all the rage. This means someone made a bracket ranking all the chicken tenders of the fast food world.
Chicken strips are my favorite food, because even though I am 24, my dietary habits would resemble what they did at age 12 if I didn’t think I would be dead by 34 as a result. So I eat vegetables now and as often as I can, but I also eat chicken tenders regularly. I know that will eventually have to change as age and my metabolism really catch up, but for now I eat a lot of fried chicken and have very strong opinions about my experience doing so.
And I don’t know who put this bracket together, but they deserve to be smacked upside the head with a chicken strip for the crap job they did.
First off, an admission: I have not been heard of 6 of these restaurants, though none (other than Rax) made a legitimate shot at the title. I won’t go round by round because I don’t think anyone wants to read 6000 words about chicken strips but let’s examine my key issues with this bracket.
One thing that really bothers me about this chicken tender tournament is that I don’t know if they’re talking strictly about tenders, or if they are including nuggets in the conversation as well. Since I don’t know the answer to that question, I am going to assume that they’re just talking about both, which is problematic.
Tenders typically look like this:
As opposed to nuggets, which look like this:
Some will say this is ticky-tack, a distinction without a difference, but I refuse to back down on it.
In any event, since it’s evident that they’re including both (pretty sure Wendy’s doesn’t have strips, and McDonald’s is only just now bringing them back), I guess I need to take that into account in my analysis, but only where the restaurant offers no tender option.
Another thing I should mention is that the criteria for this ranking was never properly established. Is this simply based on taste alone, or is it based on what provides the best approximation of what this food would taste like if you went to a standalone chicken shack (or better chain, like Gus’s) and ordered hand-breaded strips. The latter is the proper criteria, in my opinion, and it is the criteria on which I will judge the bracket.
As to the actual matchups, a few things jump out immediately.
First of all, Tyson isn’t even a restaurant, and shouldn’t be on this list.
The lower left portion of the bracket is stupid weak, with Canes being the best in the region but at best, 8th best on the bracket as a whole. Canes is good, I’ve only ever eaten it once or twice, but I remember it being good, and certainly better than everything else in that region.
Long John Silvers? Really? Fish sticks ain’t chicken.
Chili’s has excellent chicken strips. My friend Jack used to always have Chili’s chicken strips at his super bowl parties, which made the pain of always picking the losing team to cheer for much more palatable. I would still eat Chili’s chicken strips today, and the fact that they lost to O’Charley’s is a downright travesty. Chili’s might not have beat out Zaxby’s in the Elite 8 (because Zaxby’s ought to have beaten Bojangles) but they still don’t deserve elimination like this.
I actually think the bracket got the upper right region mostly correct. Buffalo Wild Wings is mostly noted for their wings, but I had the strips the other day (you save money because they come with the fries, I tell myself sadly) and they were delicious. BWWs to the Final Four, and even in the Championship, is fine with me.
I have saved my biggest issue with this bracket for the final, upper left section. Look at the Elite 8 pairing. Chick-fil-a vs. Popeyes. The fact that Chick-fil-a comes out on top here is a travesty, and I am a Chick-fil-a partisan. I will drive 30 minutes out of my way for some nuggets and those tasty, tasty waffle fries. But this isn’t a bracket about nuggets and fries, or even chicken sandwiches. This is a tenders bracket, and Chick-fil-a’s tenders are downright mediocre compared to Popeyes. Popeyes tenders are perfectly seasoned, perfectly breaded, and are always nice and crispy. They taste closer to hand breaded than anything else on this list, no way they should have been an 8 seed. And they have spice. Chick-fil-a’s tenders have no kick, and that would have TKO’d them had they not been up against Long John Silver’s non-chicken strips and DQ (which does have decent strips, I will admit).
In conclusion, this bracket STINKS and you shouldn’t follow it’s direction. If you’re going to eat fast food chicken tenders, they ought to be Popeyes. The fact that the fries and biscuit are also great is just a bonus. Trust the kid who had a Chicken Tender Journal when he was a kid to know what he’s talking about.
Nathan Is Write 